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Emergency Numbers: 999 (Dial 55 while on the line if you cannot speak), ESDAS: 01737 771 350
Domestic abuse is a pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour. It is the misuse of power and control by one person over another. It is never acceptable and we are here to help. Abuse can take many forms but often includes:
Controlling behaviour is at the centre of all domestic abuse, whether it is physical or emotional. Controlling behaviour is where a current, ex-partner or family member controls your life so you’re dependant, or subordinate to them. They do this by isolating you from your support network including your family, friends, money and work.
Isolation means you won’t have the support you need to stop the abuse and escape.
Coercive behaviour is where violence, intimidation, threat and humiliation is used to harm, punish or frighten. This includes so called ‘honour’ based abuse, such as forced marriage and female genital mutation. It is not limited to one gender or ethnic group.
Emotional abuse can include:
Financial abuse can include:
Stalking is a pattern of unwanted, fixated and obsessive behaviour that causes fear or distress. For example, monitoring, following, contacting or watching someone without their consent.
In the UK, stalking is a criminal offence under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997. You have the right to report stalking to the police and request they apply for a Stalking Protection Order.
Stalking can be used as a form of control by current or former partners – a common tactic is where stalking is used as part of controlling and coercive behaviour and post-separation abuse.
Stalking includes behaviors like:
What to do if you are being stalked?
Support groups include:
Cyber Stalking is the use of the internet and digital technologies to harass, intimidate, or stalk an individual, causing them distress and fear.
Cyber Stalking involves repeated and persistent online harassment that can take various forms, including:
Cyber Stalking is a serious issue that can have significant legal and psychological consequences for victims. It is essential for individuals to be aware of their online safety and take steps to protect themselves from potential cyber stalkers.
Measures should be taken to help ensure you’re secure online (update passwords, check for tracking apps, review privacy settings). If you need help in protecting yourself online there are specialists who can help, including:
Many people we support have experienced sexual assault or rape. We understand that it can feel embarrassing or shameful to talk about, but this is not your fault or your shame to carry.
Some people do not realise that what they have been subjected to is sexual assault or rape. People come to us with various needs, whether that is helping to report, seek medical help, find contraceptive or pregnancy advice, or counselling support.
Sexual abuse can include being:
It is helpful to understand what consent is. Consent is not ongoing and needs to be asked for every time any new form of sexual activity takes place, even if it is with an existing or previous sexual partner. A person consents if they agree by choice and have the freedom and capacity to make that choice.
Consent is not simply agreement. Someone may agree, however, without the freedom to say yes or no and the capacity to say yes or no, (‘saying’ here refers to both verbal and nonverbal forms of communication) there is no consent.
Children 12 years and under are held as not having the capacity to legally consent to any form of sexual activity. As such, regardless of whether agreement is given, all sexual contact with a child 12 years or under is automatically non-consensual.
The legal age of consent is 16 for both men and women. This is the legal age regardless of the gender or sexual orientation and whether the activity is between people of the same of different sex. This means it is an offence for anyone to have any sexual activity with a person under the age of 16. It is important to note, however, that the Home Office guidance is clear there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where they are of a similar age and there is mutual consent.
It is also an offence for a person aged 18 or over to have any sexual contact with a person under the age of 18 if the older person holds a position of trust (for example a teacher or key worker).
A person accused of rape needs to prove not just that they believed in consent, but that this belief was reasonable.
The onus here is not on giving of consent, but is on getting of consent. That is, the offence is committed when someone cannot prove that they took reasonable steps to check whether someone else was consenting to what was happening. The most reasonable step to take to ascertain consent is to ask.
This legal standard of reasonableness means that if for example, someone was drunk to the point they were not making much sense, or they appeared indifferent or unresponsive, then it would not be considered reasonable to believe that they wanted to have sex.
Recent guidance from the Crown Prosecution Service states that all the circumstances at the time of an offence will be looked at in deciding whether it is reasonable for the perpetrator to claim they believed the survivor consented.
People will be considered most unlikely to have agreed to sexual activity if they were subject to threats or fear of serious harm, unconscious, drugged, abducted, asleep, or were unable to communicate because of a disability.
Penile penetration of the vagina, anus or mouth without consent is rape. This applies whether the people involved know each other, are currently or have been previously in a relationship, or are total strangers.
Psychological abuse is the regular and deliberate use of words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, weaken or frighten a person and to distort, confuse or influence their thoughts and actions. It is also referred to as emotional abuse.
Victims of psychological abuse may also experience physical violence, though they don’t always. But it can be just as harmful.
Signs of psychological abuse
It can be hard to spot the signs of psychological abuse. People who perpetrate psychological abuse may behave differently in public and private. And victims may not understand that what they’re experiencing is abuse.
Psychological abuse includes things like:
Do I have a healthy relationship? Take the relationship health check.
We are here to listen to and support you. We are a safe place to talk through your experiences, your needs and your options.
We understand that no situation is the same and that everyone is at a different stage in their journey. Wherever you are, we can provide emotional support and if you’re not ready to leave we can give practical advice around safety at home.
If you’re starting to think about how to leave, we are here to help you plan leaving safely.
If you have left, we can support your recovery.
We offer a large range of services. If there is something specific that may help you, please ask.
If we can’t help with something, we will be able to put you in touch with a caring agency or organisation that will be able to help.
We know reaching out can feel overwhelming. Our free, confidential service is here to listen, believe, and support anyone affected by domestic abuse in Reigate & Banstead, Tandridge, or Mole Valley.
We help anyone living or working in Reigate & Banstead, Tandridge, or Mole Valley who is currently experiencing, or has experienced domestic abuse. We work with people aged 16 or over, of any gender, sexuality, religion, or background.
(Warning: some people may find the content upsetting)
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