Help for Male Survivors
Many men who experience domestic abuse from a current or former partner find it very difficult to get advice, support and information to help them. This can be because it is hard for men to firstly acknowledge that there is a problem and secondly, it can be uncomfortable and difficult to discuss their experiences. If you believe that you are a experiencing domestic abuse, it is vital to seek help. There are many myths surrounding domestic abuse, here are just a few:
Myth: Only women suffer from domestic abuse
Fact: According to the report into Crime in England and Wales 2006/7 one man in six is likely to be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime. The British Crime Survey in 2005/6 found that 20% of domestic abuse victims were male and in these cases just under 50% had a female abuser. Around twenty seven men a year are killed by a current or former partner in domestic abuse incidents.
Myth: Men are less affected by domestic abuse than women.
Fact: The experience of domestic abuse is unique for each person, but it can destroy confidence and self esteem in both men and women. In addition, men have identified similar difficulties as women around housing options, financial problems, contact with children, relationship breakdown.
If you are in an abusive relationship you may feel some or all of the following:
- Isolated. You may be afraid to tell anyone what is really going on for fear of being disbelieved or ridiculed. Men who are being abused may think that they will not be taken seriously or be unsure of whether they can be a ‘victim’ of domestic abuse or not.
- Confused about why a person you love can treat you this way, or confused because sometimes they are loving and kind.
- Confused about what they are saying with messages like ‘I hate you’ or later on ‘don’t leave me’
- Frustrated and sad because you feel that you have tried everything and still cannot sort the relationship out.
- Depressed or anxious, humiliated by the ongoing abuse
- Constantly on edge and worried about how your partner will react
- Threatened by the behaviour of your partner
- Guilty about leaving them or scared of coping alone
- Worried about financial security if you leave
Myth: Men should be able to handle it
Fact: No one should have to live with violence, fear or abuse.
Men who experience domestic abuse may try different techniques to cope. Some of these will include:
- Adopting an ‘I can handle this’ attitude
- Being careful about what you say, when and how you say it.You may have given up doing anything likely to upset them
- Adapting your behaviour to do what they demand.
- Sleeping somewhere where you feel safer, including the car, hostels or at friends
- By staying late at work to avoid going home
- Using drugs or alcohol
- Leaving home
Myth: Men who experience domestic abuse are not ‘real men’
Fact: Domestic abuse is about power and control of one person over another. It can happen to any man, in both heterosexual and gay relationships and does not indicate that the man is ‘weak’ or ‘ineffectual’.
Myth: The abuser cannot help it.
Fact: There are many excuses given for violence and abusive behaviour: alcohol, stress, drugs, hormones, oppression, inability to express your self any other way, anger, traumatic childhood. But domestic abuse is chosen behaviour and there are no excuses for one person treating another in an aggressive and bullying way
What you can do:
Recognising that you are in an abusive relationship is an important first act. Things will not change for the better if you do nothing.
- Keep a record of dates and times of incidents
- Report the violence to the police - visit your local station and ask to speak to a Domestic Violence Officer in confidence
- Seek medical attention for any injuries - do not cover up the true cause
- Seek legal advice
- Tell family and friends that you trust what is going on
- Make safety arrangements such as organising a safe place to go, changing your telephone number and locks
- Protect the children
- Do not be provoked into retaliating
- Talk over your situation with the East Surrey Domestic Abuse Service
Agencies who can offer support for men who are victims of domestic abuse
Don’t become the next statistic - take control and get help!
If you are experiencing domestic abuse, there are many organisations that can offer assistance to you and your family.
ESDAS
01737 771350
Provides advice, support and information to anyone experiencing domestic abuse in their relationships.
Surrey Victim Support
0845 3899528
Men’s Advice Line
National helpline: confidential line for emotional and practical support for any man experiencing domestic violence and abuse, irrespective of sexuality.
0808 801 0327 www.mensadviceline.org.uk
RASASC – Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre
Offers support to any survivor of rape and sexual abuse based in the Surrey area
General Helpline: 01483 546400 (Mon-Sat)
Male Helpline: 01483 568000 (Monday)
Broken Rainbow:
Support for gay men, bisexuals and transgender people suffering domestic abuse in the UK
0300 999 5428
Samaritans:
Listen to and support those who are desperate, unable to cope or suicidal and feel that there is no one to turn to.
National Linkline: 08457 909090
Surrey Police:
There is a Domestic Abuse Team working as part of the Public Protection Investigation Unit based at Caterham Police Station
0845 125 2222
